So it's been the most stressful week of my life this week and its just the beginning. Pretty much me entire life has been a build up to me doing my teacher training. For as long as I can remember I've dreamt of being 'Miss'. As stressful as it's been, it made my stop and think about how much my mental heath has improved since applying to university nearly three years ago. I felt like I needed to get this post out there as I've seen so many people on social media expressing their worries about attending further education with mental health issues, primarily anxiety.
Everyone who knows me, In person, through my blog or through twitter knows I suffer with anxiety. So often I'm questioned when people see I'm in uni as to how the two impact on each other.
In school, I was a little different, in college I was still a little different. Heck even now I'm a little bit different. However I couldn't always handle that. My final year of college (while applying to uni) I literally isolated myself from everyone. Most of my friends had left, or made new friends or just didn't speak to me anymore and I'd kind of given up on making new friends. I would arrive for my lessons, sit by myself, eat my lunch in my car and drive home. I would have days where I simply couldn't handle trying to 'fit in' and I'd just stay home and email my work across. I never told the college my issues as I felt i was handling it pretty well. My work was always in on time and because I kept such a good standard of work, my attendance was never questioned. I used to have weekly panic attacks sat outside college in my car, or even during lessons if I was called upon to answer a question I couldn't. The whole experience was just terrible really.
The thought of uni made me feel sick to the extent that I actually turned down a place the year previously because I didn't feel ready. Then I spent a year upping my grades and mentally pre-paring myself. Now I'm not saying this is the experience that everyone will have in university but I WISH I knew then what I know now.
I secured myself a place in Cardiff Met, to study Early years and Education and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Anxiety- The drive.
One of my biggest anxiety triggers has always been the fear of being late, so the drive to Cardiff Met was terrifying because I'd never really left my little village and was convinced I'd get lost everyday. Attending Cardiff Met meant I could stay living at home (well with my boyfriend) and travel... This meant driving on 'big roads' My adorable boyfriend took me on a 'test drive' pretty much every week after I received my offer showing my the ways I could go and how long they took. Then the two weeks before I started, I drove (with him in the car). I even paid to park the one day and we walked around the campus just to familiarise myself with where I was going to spend the next 3 years of my life. I was also lucky enough to find someone to carpool with (yes I made a friend) so the journey soon became part of the adventure.
Fresher's Day.
The first day was 'fresher's day' where all undergrads are thrown into a giant hall and talked to very enthusiastically by very important people with terrible fake smiles. Normally you do tend to see people sat with people they know at this point, but odds are they wont be on the same course. I hated this to be honest, even though it is supposed to be one of the best parts. I had a killer headache and had been there two hours before anything even started because my anxiety convinced me something was going to wrong. I didn't know anyone so I sat in the canteen before and after fresher's day. I thought it was going to be just like college, me on my own again. Hating life.
WRONG.
The next day we were all split into groups so we could meet people doing the same course as us, then split into a further 9 groups within. NOBODY KNEW ANYONE. It was great. You could totally reinvent yourself. Everyone was in the same situation, and you could tell. Even though I was extremely shy and hesitant to get involved, people talk to you! The crap ice breaker activities they do are actually great! I hate trying to make convocation myself so things like "tell one truth and one lie about yourself" saved the day! You basically spend a day trying to get to know everyone, I'm not sure if this happens for everyone but it was how things went for me. We actually all had to walk into the woods in the afternoon and build a den together! This was time for the inner child in my to shine. We threw eggs around in circles, we played hide and seek, it was all great fun - like being back in primary school!
Day two!
A few days later we all had to collect our student cards and people actually recognised me and attempted to start convocation. We were all in the same boat, within five minutes two people from my class had come to talk to me, then others began to gather. I came out with "can someone have my number so I can text you if I'm every lost" and we ended up all swapping numbers.- I didn't even know who was who when I looked at their names! We then headed of to the student café and sat around for a few hours talking about where we were all from ect.
Lectures!
Lectures aren't as scary as TV makes out. It not a big scary room where you can hear a pin drop, they don't lock the doors at the time it supposed to start and lecturers don't ask you questions at random. Lecturers Aren't compulsory but I strongly advice you go to them! You will slip into bad habits otherwise, if you miss one, you'll miss two, then you'll just never go. The lectures are pretty relaxed, people ALWAYS stole in late, and lectures understand how busy you are, so you can just sit back with a packet of crisps and absorb what's being said.
Seminars!
Seminars however often are compulsory, at least attendance is monitored. These are where you go over what was said in the lecturers but in more detail, your chance to ask questions ect. Normally you'll be with the same students for every seminar for every module and you will learn to love them all, these are normally the people you get to do all the cheesy ice breaker activities with. You'll laugh together, cry together but most importantly you'll stress over work together! Nothing feels better when you think you've done your work wrong than being able to ask people doing to same thing! In seminars you're encouraged to discuss themes and issues from the lecture in smaller groups, normally about 4. For me this was great because it helped build my confidence in speaking to large groups. Honestly be the end of the first month you couldn't shut me up.
These girls (and one guy) form my original seminar group are some of my closest friends.. I never thought it would be so easy. People in university don't want to shut you out, they want to know as many people as possible and this feeling is contagious! Everyone just talks to everyone and after a while this starts to feel normal. I've never had a group of friends like this. I've got to do things I never thought I would because of them!
I've done so many things this year I didn't see myself doing. Little things like visiting town with the girls.,I've carpooled to Uni a few times and even taken a train! (My anxiety + public transport = no) I'm a different person now than I was in college. These guys are all super supportive and know how I work. They understand when I bail out last minute because anxiety, they know what to do if I'm stressing over work in a study room, they know what to do if I panic for no reason because... anxiety.Thanks to them I've done things I never thought I'd do, HECK last year I flew to Romania with University to help out in schools/orphanages. Little college girl my would never have dreamt of doing that.
As much as I LOVE all the students in Cardiff Met, I honestly have made some of the most meaningful relationships ever- with my lecturers. They're honestly the most amazing people ever. They're so invested in your as a person (providing you put in the work and turn up and do everything you're meant to do). Honestly you can turn to them with any issues you have, and first the first time ever I was actually able to open up about my own mental health journey. I'm constantly stopped my lecturers that i don't see anymore while I'm walking around Uni just to catch up. I really can't stress the kind of people that they are. It not like school, is not like college, it's like having very intelligent caring and helpful friends. I've shared laughs with them, I've opened results with them, I've even cried with them. I honestly pray that we stay in contact when I leave Uni because they are some of the most wonderful people.
I'm just ten times more confidence and outspoken now than I was 3 years ago and it's all because of Cardiff Met and the staff and students in it. I literally feel like a different person. I've even (lets end this post on a high note) been given an interview in Cardiff Met (because it's the best place in the world) to study me PGCE! I'll keep you updated on THAT journey through social media.
Everyone who knows me, In person, through my blog or through twitter knows I suffer with anxiety. So often I'm questioned when people see I'm in uni as to how the two impact on each other.
In school, I was a little different, in college I was still a little different. Heck even now I'm a little bit different. However I couldn't always handle that. My final year of college (while applying to uni) I literally isolated myself from everyone. Most of my friends had left, or made new friends or just didn't speak to me anymore and I'd kind of given up on making new friends. I would arrive for my lessons, sit by myself, eat my lunch in my car and drive home. I would have days where I simply couldn't handle trying to 'fit in' and I'd just stay home and email my work across. I never told the college my issues as I felt i was handling it pretty well. My work was always in on time and because I kept such a good standard of work, my attendance was never questioned. I used to have weekly panic attacks sat outside college in my car, or even during lessons if I was called upon to answer a question I couldn't. The whole experience was just terrible really.
The thought of uni made me feel sick to the extent that I actually turned down a place the year previously because I didn't feel ready. Then I spent a year upping my grades and mentally pre-paring myself. Now I'm not saying this is the experience that everyone will have in university but I WISH I knew then what I know now.
I secured myself a place in Cardiff Met, to study Early years and Education and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Anxiety- The drive.
One of my biggest anxiety triggers has always been the fear of being late, so the drive to Cardiff Met was terrifying because I'd never really left my little village and was convinced I'd get lost everyday. Attending Cardiff Met meant I could stay living at home (well with my boyfriend) and travel... This meant driving on 'big roads' My adorable boyfriend took me on a 'test drive' pretty much every week after I received my offer showing my the ways I could go and how long they took. Then the two weeks before I started, I drove (with him in the car). I even paid to park the one day and we walked around the campus just to familiarise myself with where I was going to spend the next 3 years of my life. I was also lucky enough to find someone to carpool with (yes I made a friend) so the journey soon became part of the adventure.
Fresher's Day.
The first day was 'fresher's day' where all undergrads are thrown into a giant hall and talked to very enthusiastically by very important people with terrible fake smiles. Normally you do tend to see people sat with people they know at this point, but odds are they wont be on the same course. I hated this to be honest, even though it is supposed to be one of the best parts. I had a killer headache and had been there two hours before anything even started because my anxiety convinced me something was going to wrong. I didn't know anyone so I sat in the canteen before and after fresher's day. I thought it was going to be just like college, me on my own again. Hating life.
WRONG.
The next day we were all split into groups so we could meet people doing the same course as us, then split into a further 9 groups within. NOBODY KNEW ANYONE. It was great. You could totally reinvent yourself. Everyone was in the same situation, and you could tell. Even though I was extremely shy and hesitant to get involved, people talk to you! The crap ice breaker activities they do are actually great! I hate trying to make convocation myself so things like "tell one truth and one lie about yourself" saved the day! You basically spend a day trying to get to know everyone, I'm not sure if this happens for everyone but it was how things went for me. We actually all had to walk into the woods in the afternoon and build a den together! This was time for the inner child in my to shine. We threw eggs around in circles, we played hide and seek, it was all great fun - like being back in primary school!
Day two!
A few days later we all had to collect our student cards and people actually recognised me and attempted to start convocation. We were all in the same boat, within five minutes two people from my class had come to talk to me, then others began to gather. I came out with "can someone have my number so I can text you if I'm every lost" and we ended up all swapping numbers.- I didn't even know who was who when I looked at their names! We then headed of to the student café and sat around for a few hours talking about where we were all from ect.
Lectures!
Lectures aren't as scary as TV makes out. It not a big scary room where you can hear a pin drop, they don't lock the doors at the time it supposed to start and lecturers don't ask you questions at random. Lecturers Aren't compulsory but I strongly advice you go to them! You will slip into bad habits otherwise, if you miss one, you'll miss two, then you'll just never go. The lectures are pretty relaxed, people ALWAYS stole in late, and lectures understand how busy you are, so you can just sit back with a packet of crisps and absorb what's being said.
Seminars!
Seminars however often are compulsory, at least attendance is monitored. These are where you go over what was said in the lecturers but in more detail, your chance to ask questions ect. Normally you'll be with the same students for every seminar for every module and you will learn to love them all, these are normally the people you get to do all the cheesy ice breaker activities with. You'll laugh together, cry together but most importantly you'll stress over work together! Nothing feels better when you think you've done your work wrong than being able to ask people doing to same thing! In seminars you're encouraged to discuss themes and issues from the lecture in smaller groups, normally about 4. For me this was great because it helped build my confidence in speaking to large groups. Honestly be the end of the first month you couldn't shut me up.
These girls (and one guy) form my original seminar group are some of my closest friends.. I never thought it would be so easy. People in university don't want to shut you out, they want to know as many people as possible and this feeling is contagious! Everyone just talks to everyone and after a while this starts to feel normal. I've never had a group of friends like this. I've got to do things I never thought I would because of them!
I've done so many things this year I didn't see myself doing. Little things like visiting town with the girls.,I've carpooled to Uni a few times and even taken a train! (My anxiety + public transport = no) I'm a different person now than I was in college. These guys are all super supportive and know how I work. They understand when I bail out last minute because anxiety, they know what to do if I'm stressing over work in a study room, they know what to do if I panic for no reason because... anxiety.Thanks to them I've done things I never thought I'd do, HECK last year I flew to Romania with University to help out in schools/orphanages. Little college girl my would never have dreamt of doing that.
As much as I LOVE all the students in Cardiff Met, I honestly have made some of the most meaningful relationships ever- with my lecturers. They're honestly the most amazing people ever. They're so invested in your as a person (providing you put in the work and turn up and do everything you're meant to do). Honestly you can turn to them with any issues you have, and first the first time ever I was actually able to open up about my own mental health journey. I'm constantly stopped my lecturers that i don't see anymore while I'm walking around Uni just to catch up. I really can't stress the kind of people that they are. It not like school, is not like college, it's like having very intelligent caring and helpful friends. I've shared laughs with them, I've opened results with them, I've even cried with them. I honestly pray that we stay in contact when I leave Uni because they are some of the most wonderful people.
I'm just ten times more confidence and outspoken now than I was 3 years ago and it's all because of Cardiff Met and the staff and students in it. I literally feel like a different person. I've even (lets end this post on a high note) been given an interview in Cardiff Met (because it's the best place in the world) to study me PGCE! I'll keep you updated on THAT journey through social media.
If you're thinking of applying for university I hope this has helped! let me know if I can help more! My only piece of advice is to get involved! Sign up for everything and if you hate it just don't go again! I wish I'd got involved even more looking back.
I promise you guys, if I can do it anyone can.
love you always,
Jemma with a J.
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